Stressed

Lately I have been incredibly stressed and really negative.
There's too much that I need to do and I am just ignoring it all, not the best way to solve a problem, but it's how I cope.
I pretend like it isn't there and just do things that make me happy.
In the end I screw myself over.
So today I asked a friend of mine to help me make a "game plan" and the first thing he asked me was: what is your morning mantra? I told him.
I know, I know. Morning mantra?! Wtf. But really it helps me get through the day, if I feel like I'm about to burst into tears or drop into the fetal position I find an empty bathroom, stand in front of the mirror and breathe, repeating my mantra over and over until I feel calm. It helps.
For me at least.
But my friend wasn't sure that my mantra was fitting for me, since losing my auntie in 2011 I have had the same mantra but since losing my brother last November I didn't know what to change it to.
I'm glad my friend pointed out that I have changed and my mantra wasn't hitting some of the points that I need to confront/help everyday.
So basically that is what I've been working on figuring out all day.
New mantra.
We talked about some other issues I need to address but honestly I don't want to face them just yet.
Okay. So in other news. It was Georgie's sixth birthday on Saturday:)
He is my fave living thing in the world so naturally I spoiled him to death and we played all day.
He is deff the sunshine in my world.
xx

Ninety

When you’re 90 years old, what will matter most to you?
I asked someone this question once and they said: Aly, I don't want to be alive at that age!
I didn't know what to say so I awkwardly chuckled...
I don't know why you wouldn't, I think that even without a lot of the abilities we have now at a younger age we still are able to learn and experience joy and love and so many things.
At that point in my life I hope that thing that I will treasure most in my life is my family, I hope that I will have had children and grandchildren and even great grandchildren.
I hope that at that point I never would have had to bury a child or grandchild but I do hope that I live that long.
I would be a pretty awesome 90 year old.
I think so at least.
A painter, lover of rock n'roll, an enthusiastic reader and explorer.
Even if I'm not able to travel I hope that I still use my imagination and I could even be a phenomenal story teller.
And of course I will be wearing all of the jewelry I own.
And a mumu...I don't think that's how you spell it, but non the less I will be wearing one.
That or leggings and a baggy sweatshirt.
Both of which I do now...scary...
xx

Valentines

Those of you getting valentines from me are in for a real treat, if I do say so myself;)

Humanize

Something that's really been getting under my skin lately is the moment my brother gets brought up and people look down or away and keep silent, it's like the world has trained us to not deal with grief. I don't understand it, that is the last thing I want you to do. I don't need you to turn into yourself and ignore the situation, if anything that is what I am supposed to do, I'm the one that should be in shut down mode (which I have been for the last two and a half months). But if I do happen to talk about Cory then let me talk about him, if I start to cry then let me cry and don't feel ashamed of me or for me, in fact if I am talking to you about him or crying in front of you you better understand that I trust you very much because I don't do this with people outside of my family. Instead just be there for me, if I am in a really bad state and I make any indication that I need to be hugged or comforted then take that chance (because again I am not a touchy feely kind of person but when I need a hug you better step up and hug me dammit). Man up or woman up. Be a human being that recognizes human emotions.

Drinking and Sleeping

I just want to sleep all day. Sleep all day and watch Harry Potter. And drink tea. So basically I want to live in intervals of sleeping, Potter watching, and tea drinking.

Breathing

My sister had to remind me to breathe today, I called her at a very unholy (overused word) hour this morning because I couldn't go back to sleep.
I had a dream that I was suffocating at the bottom of a ditch. Cory was there and he wasn't fighting it, he was letting go and I kept crying telling him to fight it. But the thing was I wasn't fighting for myself, there I was telling someone to fight for their life and I'm not taking my own advice?
I don't like dreaming anymore, they are too vivid.
Sometimes my dreams are funny and weird (I built my own mini Louvre next to the Louvre once) but for the last three months they've been awful.
School, family, LIFE in general is kicking my ass and now its killing me in my sleep? Seriously?
Just need to keep my head above water.

CJM

Seriously missing home the last few days. I miss the sound of tractors and gunshots at unholy hours of the morning. I miss walking into a room where a full on WWF match has taken over the living room, but most of all I miss Cory. I hate that after watching an awesome IQ lowering movie I want to text him to tell him to watch it (ninety nine percent of the time he already had) and realizing I won't get a response. I missed getting my birthday phone call. I missed waiting for Cory to come open our stockings with us on Christmas morning. I miss running around in Walmart at midnight shooting each other with pretend guns. I miss him so much. This is the worst.